I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
