This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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