She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
