Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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