I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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