I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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