Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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