Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
