Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
