Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
please come you make the beer taste better
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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