my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
