I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
