Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
