Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
