she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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