and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Randomize
