like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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