I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
