He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
