I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
