Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
