You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
