I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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