I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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