i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
