you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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