please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
