My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
