dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
