Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
