Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
