Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
