Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
