...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
