So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
