my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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