Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
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