somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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