My cat gives me a boner
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
