I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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