We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
