i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
