M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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