I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
