you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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