no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
