oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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