i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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