I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
