I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
