i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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